My personal trainer "TAWNY"

For Christmas last year, my wife ( the love of my life ) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with surprising enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...............

    MONDAY: 

Started my day at 6:am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (she is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Tawny Gave me a tour  and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. ( I thoroughly enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.)

Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot ofcoffee, but I finally made it out the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar in the air ...then she put weights on it. My legs were a little  wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: 

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying my toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a  hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams were bothering the other club members. (her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and I hadn't noticed that when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster, er, master. (why in  HELL would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help get me in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too..

THURSDAY: 

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained that I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took me that long to tie my fucking shoes. Tawny took me to work out with the dumbbells.  When she wasn't looking , I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars in to find me. As punishment , she put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that BITCH Tawny more then any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (prissy, pretentious, stupid, skinny, anemic, little cheerleader-wanna-be Bitch.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want any dents in the damn  floor, don't hand me fucking barbells or anything that weighs more then a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill, piercing little voice, wondering why I did not show up today? Just, hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the fucking weather channel.

SUNDAY: 

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the other BITCH) will choose a gift for me that is fun... root canal or a vasectomy !

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Date this site last edited-Wednesday, 17 September 2008

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