puns

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored."

St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?"

The angel answered, "I like to dance."

"We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance."
"I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave.

The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again."

St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?"

"Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."

The Doc

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

KERMIT JAGGER

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,

and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that she will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says........."

It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

Apologies to Mary Poppins

Mahama Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

HI-YO SILVER AWAAAAAAAAY

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the

big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about to

die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto
and says, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down".
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait, the
Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?
"The Lone Ranger says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your Injun running!"

THE GREEN GODDESS

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since

my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last

month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two

months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week

for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

" Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a

gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's

eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in

front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and

dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's

just the reflection off her shoes."

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

Justice Ruth Ginsberg had been on the court for a while
when a friend invited her on a fishing trip. They got to
the lake and he suggested they rent a rowboat. "No, let's
just use our wading boots and cast from the shore," she
said.

He continued arguing for a while on the merits of both
having a day in the rowboat together. Finally, she
answered emphatically, "No, I'm going to use my wading
boots, and I don't want to hear a single word more about
it."

"Why so emotional about a rowboat?" her friend asked.

Justice Ginsberg said, "I think it's long past the time
to put the Roe vs. Wade argument behind us."

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND SAYS,

"BARTENDER, GOT ANY SPECIALS TODAY?"

"YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT WE HAVE A NEW DRINK

INVENTED BY A GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS.

IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE RIBBON BEER AND

SMIRNOFF VODKA."

"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU CALL THAT?

"A PABST SMIR."

Two boll weevils grew up in SC. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig
and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let
the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down!" And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our
houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!" The straw pig and the
stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a
call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs
come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of
him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired,
killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?"
they asked.

With a very big smile, the brick pig answered:
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs!" .